My Shitty Reality TV Show

Let me just make one thing clear before I proceed. I am generally an animal loving person. If a dog comes to my house and pisses on the fence, fine no problem.
Squirrels father on the gate and perform oral sex, their welcome.

But if there is one thing you do not do… It’s lunging in the general direction of my head from above with the intention to kill.

This is exactly what a chipkali (Lizard) did yesterday night. Luckily I managed to dive, in slow-mo of course, out of its path just in time. The beast was not able to get a choking grip on my delicate neck and instead just bumped against my shoulder and dropped down on the floor.

After my display of fast reflexes in the form of a cool matrix style dodge I thought it was all over, that I was… safe. I thought the chipkali would be too impressed…intimidated with my elite skills and would start to fear me. But boy was I wrong. This chipkali was no ordinary chipkali. This one had balls of steel, It was completely out of its mind. A true fighter!

After a rough landing on my kitchen floor the chipkali ran towards me rather than away from me! Maybe this was an egotistical chipkali and was not prepared to lose it’s pride. It ran with such a menacing look in its beady eyes and at such a pace it made me think for a millisecond that I may be dealing with something that is much stronger than me.
The feeling of helplessness and panic ran through me. I started scanning the place looking for a weapon, A chair… a spoon, ANYTHING!
But all I found around me was the hot and humid Lahori air.
At this point I knew deep down all was lost. And I did what all sane men do when they are up against a ruthless killer. A killer that does now know the meaning of the words “mercy”, “compassion” and “love”
I did what all sane men do… I ran.
I jumped up over the chipkali and hoped towards the exit.

I did not dare look over my shoulders as I knew what was following me, death! I ran full pace towards my bedroom door. Panting, shaking and screaming whilst I forced my legs to keep moving.
Oh why did I not take up my dads advice and join a gym, Why did I not have my mothers parathay and dahin when she asked me too.

When your in such a situation as I was, when you are the one being chased by a predator as cheesy as this sounds… Time does seem to slow down, your senses become sharper. Now I truly know what “eternity” means. Because that is exactly how long I seemed to have spent before I saw the warm light of my room, the rays danced on my tired and broken body bringing with it hope, hope of survival.
I dived towards the light, pushing the bedroom door behind me with full force.
*BANG*

Ahhh that sweet sound when wood crashes into wood. I knew I was out of harms way at last.
I did next what all sane men do when they know they’ve narrowly escaped certain death. I fell down on my knees and thanked god… and then I pleasured myself.